A common situation that many parents face is dealing with their children's behaviors. For example, let's say you had a five year old child that has just entered school. She was a polite, considerate, and helpful young lady at home and in front of her teachers. However, her behavior has recently changed at home and it involves talking back, swearing, and discussing sex in general terms. She learned these behaviors from other kids at school.
How do I help her to make the right choices about good vs. naughty (one of her friends got her to play hookie ....at 5 years old?!); of what is acceptable and not, when she is away from me and faced with those choices without me being there to guide ?"
That is a good question. Let's talk about the fundamentals behind this issue.
Kids in general try hard to do succeed in life. Their behaviors reflect what they think will bring them a desired result. The problem is that their idea of a desire result might not be the best idea. Sometimes they want the basics like hunger, warmth, and food. Or they might wish to have their parent's approval and love. Or they might be out to just have fun.
They will demonstrate the behavior they believe will get them the need they have at that time.
Of course, not all behaviors are successful - and that is the whole learning process. Constantly through life we are experimenting with behaviors to find the ones that work best for us. In choosing what behaviors to experiment with, we take input from past experiences, from what we have been told, and from what we have seen others do (in real life and on TV) and we combine this with the skills, abilities, and personality that we have. From all of this we get a range of possible behaviors, and out of those we pick what we hope will serve us best.
Once we find behaviors that seem to pay off well for us, then we tend to stick with them. The more we repeat them, and the more often they work, the more firmly they will be entrenched as our default behavior.
Returning to your 5 year old daughter. This behavior is a sign that she is in the process of experimenting. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will end in an intended result.
Your daughter will probably try a host of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn't work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter keep? It is contingent upon the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very critical to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.
How much influence do you, as a parent, have over this? At this age, quite a bit. When they are teenagers, a whole lot less. Your influence is through two means.
1. Your emotional response - your approval or otherwise of her behaviors.
2. How you control her external environment. You have the power to choose her school, neighbors, and people she will be in contact with. You are the one who can give her punishments and rewards.
Weaving what he discussed together and looking at this strategically, you need to answer the following questions:
Do you think your daughter is just experimenting with her behaviors and that it will pass? If you do, then don't worry about it. She will eventually move on to appropriate behavior. Kids tend to do mischievous things at this age and still end up to be productive adults.
Another item to consider is the intensity of reaction you demonstrate to bad behavior. Take swearing for example. If you become exasperated every time she swears, she may view swearing as an adventure because she wants to see you get red with anger.
If you feel as if her bad behavior is escalating too much then you need to do something to combat it.
When this happens you will need to rely on your opinion of the situation. Are you doing all the things you can as a parent? Make sure that you are a positive role model. Remember, you have a significant influence on her.
Check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who were raised in this neighborhood do when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend their days being in trouble for most of their teenage years?
Speak with other parents and teachers. Most schools have a "culture" and it may just be that this is the culture in this school - i.e. that lots of kids go through this phase and then settle down, rather like the toilet jokes when they are 7 and 8. Or it may be that the teachers are greatly concerned.
Sadly, you can't watch over every outside influence in your child's life. You also can't be totally sure that your daughter will learn right from wrong. However, you can improve the chances of her success. Your influence is great and you should be a healthy role model for your daughter. - 29956
How do I help her to make the right choices about good vs. naughty (one of her friends got her to play hookie ....at 5 years old?!); of what is acceptable and not, when she is away from me and faced with those choices without me being there to guide ?"
That is a good question. Let's talk about the fundamentals behind this issue.
Kids in general try hard to do succeed in life. Their behaviors reflect what they think will bring them a desired result. The problem is that their idea of a desire result might not be the best idea. Sometimes they want the basics like hunger, warmth, and food. Or they might wish to have their parent's approval and love. Or they might be out to just have fun.
They will demonstrate the behavior they believe will get them the need they have at that time.
Of course, not all behaviors are successful - and that is the whole learning process. Constantly through life we are experimenting with behaviors to find the ones that work best for us. In choosing what behaviors to experiment with, we take input from past experiences, from what we have been told, and from what we have seen others do (in real life and on TV) and we combine this with the skills, abilities, and personality that we have. From all of this we get a range of possible behaviors, and out of those we pick what we hope will serve us best.
Once we find behaviors that seem to pay off well for us, then we tend to stick with them. The more we repeat them, and the more often they work, the more firmly they will be entrenched as our default behavior.
Returning to your 5 year old daughter. This behavior is a sign that she is in the process of experimenting. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will end in an intended result.
Your daughter will probably try a host of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn't work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter keep? It is contingent upon the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very critical to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.
How much influence do you, as a parent, have over this? At this age, quite a bit. When they are teenagers, a whole lot less. Your influence is through two means.
1. Your emotional response - your approval or otherwise of her behaviors.
2. How you control her external environment. You have the power to choose her school, neighbors, and people she will be in contact with. You are the one who can give her punishments and rewards.
Weaving what he discussed together and looking at this strategically, you need to answer the following questions:
Do you think your daughter is just experimenting with her behaviors and that it will pass? If you do, then don't worry about it. She will eventually move on to appropriate behavior. Kids tend to do mischievous things at this age and still end up to be productive adults.
Another item to consider is the intensity of reaction you demonstrate to bad behavior. Take swearing for example. If you become exasperated every time she swears, she may view swearing as an adventure because she wants to see you get red with anger.
If you feel as if her bad behavior is escalating too much then you need to do something to combat it.
When this happens you will need to rely on your opinion of the situation. Are you doing all the things you can as a parent? Make sure that you are a positive role model. Remember, you have a significant influence on her.
Check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who were raised in this neighborhood do when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend their days being in trouble for most of their teenage years?
Speak with other parents and teachers. Most schools have a "culture" and it may just be that this is the culture in this school - i.e. that lots of kids go through this phase and then settle down, rather like the toilet jokes when they are 7 and 8. Or it may be that the teachers are greatly concerned.
Sadly, you can't watch over every outside influence in your child's life. You also can't be totally sure that your daughter will learn right from wrong. However, you can improve the chances of her success. Your influence is great and you should be a healthy role model for your daughter. - 29956
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